I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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