My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What drink are we having for lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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