i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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