I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
