I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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