Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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