I could make wine with my vomit
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
