...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
