my phone needs a breathalizer
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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