just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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