The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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