Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
