so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
