Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
