I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
