My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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