I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
