i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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