I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
