Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
