Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You're like the curious george of whores
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
