a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
