i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
