if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
