She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
