can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
