My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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