i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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