Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
