Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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