I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
