I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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