he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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