I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
