Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
