The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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