Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
