I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
