if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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