Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
