filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He has the fingertips of a God
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize