She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
