Too much gin, very little bucket
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
ttyl tear gas
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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