I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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