4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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