This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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