My hand turned me down
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
