we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
