I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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