I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
