I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
