i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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