I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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