So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
