this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
