If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
