My sheets look like a crime scene.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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