If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
